


LostMyHead

by orphan_account



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Cody Ko OOC, Cody has a drug problem, Fluff and Angst, Honestly they’re just like character bases for this they’re not like this very much at alll, Light Smut, M/M, Noel Miller OOC, Noel has a opening up problem, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, Sorta drug and alcohol problem, TW mentions of overdose, Therapy, more chapters coming!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:15:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24041932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Don’t show this to Cody or Noel or anyone affiliated with them thank youuuu!
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 21
Kudos: 44





	1. come pick me up i’m scared

His phone rings just as he’s finally drifting asleep, and Noel wants nothing more than to throw it as hard as he can possibly manage against his bedroom wall. 

But when he peels his eyes open and reads the caller ID, his hands reach for the phone without his permission. He presses the green button, and holds the phone to his ear. “Hello?” comes his raspy voice, too loud, and he cringes at it. 

“Hey.” Cody’s voice sounds just as bad, cracking at the edges and just as gravely. 

Noel sighs and puts the phone on speaker, resting it beside his pillow so he can lie down and look at it. “Cody what time is it?” he asks, his voice instinctively quiet in the dark.

“I don’t know.. maybe 3ish?”

Noel sighs, and rubs sleep from his eyes. As much as he’s already worrying for Cody, he wishes more that he was still sleeping. “Are you okay dude?”

“I’m.. yeah.”

Noel swears he hears cars in the background of Cody’s audio. He sits up a bit. 

“Where are-“ he starts, but Cody cuts him off. 

“I’m sorry for waking you up. I.. I guess I just needed to hear your voice.” Cody says, and the strain in his voice is clear. Vulnerability has never been as easy as he wishes it was between them, with their shared sense of humour being so dark, laughing off most issues. But with Cody, feelings have always been inevitable. 

Noel sits up and cradles the phone in his hands, squinting down at it. He can’t bring himself to turn on his lamp, and fully wake up. As if he could back fall asleep after this. 

“Where are you?” Noel asks again, because yes, he definitely hears cars, and wind, and maybe a few people. 

“Home.” 

A car horn honks on Cody’s end. 

“Cody.” he says in reply to the obvious lie. 

“I’m at the hospital. Outside.” he hears Cody swallow, and choke on his next words. “Noel. I… fuck. I did something dumb man.”

Noel turns on his lamp. 

“Do you need me to come get you?” he says, as he pulls on sweatpants from where they laid on his floor. 

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I don’t know who else to call.”

Noel is grabbing a jacket and his keys, with the phone held precariously between his cheek and shoulder. “I’m on my way, but go back inside before you catch a cold.” He hears Cody laugh, and feels just a bit better. 

“I’m serious!” he says, but a smile pulls at the corners of his lips. 

“Ok mom.”

Noel stresses all the way to the hospital, driving a bit faster than he should, and honking more than usual. Fucking LA traffic, even at 4am. 

He tries to play music so it’s not so painfully quiet, but noise in general is making him angry right now, so he shuts it off completely and focuses on his breathing. He can’t help Cody if he’s freaking out. He can’t help Cody if he’s freaking out. He can’t help Cody if he’s freaking out. 

Noel sits at a red light, and taps his fingers anxiously on the steering wheel. He remembers the first time he found Cody. He remembers the silence of the apartment, the tons of empty take out containers lying around. He remembers rolling Cody over, pulling him out of the vomit on his pillow. He remembers Cody begging him to leave, slurring his words. He remembers crying. He doesn’t remember who cried. Maybe both of them. 

At the recollection alone, Noel wants to make a U-turn and go home. But the light goes green, his foot hits the gas, and he keeps driving. 

When finally he gets to the hospital, he can’t find any parking spots, except for one across the whole lot from the hospital. He almost punches the slow-as-shit parking meter, and when it eventually spits out his pass after double charging him, he jams it in his windshield and half sprints through the parking lot. 

He rushes through the automatic doors, chest heaving with heavy breaths, and after a once over of the lobby, his eyes train on Cody, who’s staring right back. He looks like he’s about to bust out in tears. After all the rushing to be there, suddenly, Noel can’t move. Cody looks nothing short of awful. Heavy grey bags under his red eyes, a cut on his lower lip, bruises circling around his throat. He looked worn out, and broken. Noel had hoped he’d never see this side of Cody ever again. 

When he sees Cody’s lower lip tremble, he comes back to himself. Noel rushes over, and wraps him up in a hug. The blonde lets out a choked off sob, and clings to Noels arm. 

“God, Cody.” Noel whispers. 

“I know.” he whispers back, barely audible. 

Noel signs Cody out at the front desk, taking his painkillers from the nurse in a little baggy. It’s like the most horrible form of déjà vu, where he can feel it building in his gut. 

The walk to the car is long, and Noel fights back the urge to pull away when Cody takes his hand outside the front doors of the hospital. He lets him hold on until they have to go to separate side doors of Noel's car. 

Cody cries quietly in the orange glow of streetlights as they drive back, and Noel frowns, but he doesn’t bother to look away from the road. He’s seen it before. 

Cody follows Noel into the elevator, his head down. He looks ashamed. _ He should be,  _ Noel thinks, and only feels a bit guilty for it. 

“What did you do?” he asks as evenly as he can manage, staring at the buttons as the elevator lifts them slowly to Noels 10th floor apartment. 

He waits for an answer. 

It never comes. 

Noel unlocks his apartment deftly, and holds the door open for Cody to slip past him. He notices how careful Cody is to not brush against him, and almost laughs at how different it is from not so long ago. When they would tumble blindly into the dark of the apartment, bodies intertwined and the taste of liquor fresh on their breaths. Noel tries not to miss it. 

Noel slips off his sweatpants and gets back into his bed, but he can’t do anything other than lie awake and stare at his ceiling until Cody slips in too. When he finally does, Noel lets Cody cuddle up to his side with his arm around the blonde. 

Cody must feel comfortable enough to speak in the mask of the dark bedroom, because Noel gets his answer. “I met up with a guy who said he could hook me up with some… stuff.” 

Noel closes his eyes, naively hoping it’ll all go away. Hoping that Cody will be gone, that he’ll be safe at home, that he’ll be sober, that it’ll all be okay when he opens his eyes again.

“And he… he raised the price on me.” 

“So I didn’t have enough to pay him. So him and his friends went in on me.” Cody says finally, sounding dry, and tired. Casual. 

Noel doesn't bother to reopen his eyes, instead he pretends to be asleep until his breathing evens out, and he doesn’t have to pretend anymore. The last thing Noel’s aware of before he drifts asleep is Cody’s calloused fingers slipping to intertwine with his own. 


	2. you promise?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same as last time, don’t show this to the boys or anyone associated w them. Just using them as character bases lol ALSO read the the tags for warnings!

Cody doesn’t wake up before Noel anymore. 

When Noel used to wake up from a night with Cody, he was alone in the bed, wrapped in blankets and sunlight. Cody always let him sleep in, even when Noel told him to wake him up. 

If he wasn’t out on a run when he finally got out of bed, Noel could sneak up on Cody in the kitchen, humming along with whatever was in his earbuds and dancing around as he made breakfast. He could spin Cody around, and a smile would spread over his face. Noel would cover it with a kiss. 

Now Noel wakes up with Cody still in bed beside him, and he slips out of the room carefully. He empties the bag of pills from the hospital, and the bottles roll out onto the counter. He counts how many pills are in each, and makes a note of the numbers in his phone.

After he takes out what Cody will need for the day, he hides them in the back of the cupboard where he knows Cody will never look (behind the kale chips). He mills around the kitchen for a while making breakfast for them, simple eggs and toast. 

He takes a plate and a glass of water to Cody, setting them down on the bedside table. With a heavy sigh, Noel sits on the edge of the bed and gently strokes Cody’s hair. The blonde's eyes flutter open, and he smiles. Noel forces himself to smile back. He hates this Cody. He misses  _ his  _ Cody. 

It takes some groveling, but Cody finishes both the water and the plate of food without too much complaining. He was eager for his painkillers, and even though Noel knows he must actually need them with the heavy bruising going on, he still has to avert his eyes when Cody takes them. 

Noel eats his breakfast on the couch, as Cody sits beside him wrapped in a blanket. Noel isn’t paying much attention to the shitty reality show that Cody’s putting in on, he’s more focused on the warmth of Cody’s body pressing into his side. 

Once he’s done with his plate, he lets himself lean into Cody, resting his head over the blondes. “Noel?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m really sorry.”

Noel opens his eyes and feels his body stiffen. Caught with his defenses down. “You don’t have to apologize to me, you need to get better for yourself, not m-“

“No I mean, well I am sorry about dragging you into all this but. Dude I..”

Cody shifts to sit up and face Noel, and he doesn’t miss the tears in Cody’s eyes. 

They hold their gaze for a lifetime.

“I ruined us.” Cody whispers. _ He’s about to cry. _ Noel feels like a dick for it, but he chuckles and looks away. “It’s not a big deal.” he says coldly, and stands to leave. 

He hears Cody following after him as he rounds the corner into his room. He angrily tugs the sheets up the bed, only making it slightly less disheveled. Cody stands in the door frame. 

Noel hears Cody’s pleading whisper,“Please talk to me, Noel.”, and it feels like he’s being pulled in half, one part of him aching to rush over and console him, and the other part keeping his feet planted firmly at a safe distance from the ticking time bomb that is Cody Kolodziejzyk.

He doesn’t meet Cody’s gaze when he replies, “I don’t have anything to say. I don’t need your apology.”

He sees the blonde sink down to the floor out of the corner of his eye, and goes back to making the bed. “Noel I miss you everyday.” He ignores him and straightens out the pillows. “I miss making you laugh most of all. I can’t.. I can’t make you laugh like that anymore.” he says, and it seems like he’s talking to himself more than to Noel.

He sits on the edge of the bed with his back to Cody, and cradles his face in his hands. 

He hears shuffling behind him, and soon enough Cody is sitting between his knees looking back at him through the gaps in Noels fingers. 

“When I get better, because I will, Noel I promise you I will,” he says insistently, placing his hands gently on Noel’s knees, “can we please try again?”

Noel gives in against his smarter instincts and rests his hands over Cody’s, and is rewarded immediately by the sweet little smile that blooms over the face of the man below him. He smiles a bit too. 

He wants to say,  _ “I can’t promise anything Cody, you know that’s not a realistic request. I want to be with you so badly, but I cannot do it like this again.” _

Instead, Noel just replies in a near whisper, “Maybe.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just incase you didn’t realize, cody is blonde in this because I SAID SO


	3. memories and mixups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW warning for this chapter! Cody experiences a relapse, and there is a very small but possibly upsetting amount of violence. if you or anyone you know is in need of help, please know that it is out there, and you can get through it <3 (The next few chapters might be a lil sad, and then I promise it will get better)

They don’t talk about  _ that  _ conversation again, Cody doesn’t ask him to make any more promises, and Noel definitely doesn’t offer any. 

For the next few weeks they’re practically glued to each other, but Cody doesn’t seem to mind, even though it’s obviously because Noel is worried about Cody having a relapse if he’s alone too long. 

A few days after Cody’s incident, they drive by his shitty apartment to pick up his clothes and some belongings. Cody doesn’t let Noel come any further than the stairs up to the front door, and Noel can only guess that it’s because of how trashed his unit must be. Of course Cody brings out way more than he needs, and Noel complains about his bad back as they carry boxes and bags out to his car. 

On one especially hot august afternoon Noel walks into the kitchen to find Cody struggling with opening an orange container of pills. Painkillers. They lock eyes across the kitchen at the same moment they hear the lid pop off of the bottle. They stare at each other for a split second, and then Cody makes a hurried move to dump them from the palm of his hand into his mouth. Noel rushes around the table and knocks Cody to the floor, who in turn kicks Noel hard in the stomach. The overwhelming urge to vomit is only a momentary distraction before he’s flipping the blonde onto his stomach and screaming, “SPIT THEM OUT CODY. I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND. SPIT THEM OUT!”

Cody thrashes on the ground in an effort to get away from Noel, so in a desperate attempt to stop him, Noel reaches around and pinches Cody’s nose, holding him down on the tile. Cody quickly runs out of air, and spits the pills out onto the floor, filling his lungs with heaving breaths. As soon as he gets his breath back, Cody is sobbing apologies into the cold tile floor, and Noel collapses on top of him, too tired and sweaty to hear him. 

Through September they watch every bad remake (more accurately ripoff) of love island on Netflix, and Noel is annoyed with himself to find he likes watching Cody laugh more than he likes watching the actual shows. 

Noel makes Cody see a therapist, and they argue about it for just less than a day before Cody appears at the door of his office and agrees that he’ll try to go. When Noel drives him to his first appointment, he watches Cody walk into the building, and waits in the car until the hour is almost up. At the last few minutes before Cody should be coming out, he pulls out of the parking lot and does a lap around the block, before coming back to see Cody standing at the door. He flushes beet red and denies everything when Cody tells him he could see him sitting in the car from the therapist’s window.

Noel is in his office mulling over a script he’ll never finish when the sound of shattering glass cuts through his haze. He sprints into the kitchen at top speed to find Cody hunched over a broken plate, with watery eyes. 

“Cody?” He says in a careful, calm voice, and slowly walks over. The blonde weakly swats Noels hands away when he reaches to help clean up. Cody struggles to speak evenly, “I’ve got- I’ve got it Noel, I-”, his words are cut off by his quick hissing breath of a shard of plate cutting into his palm. Noel drags him up and carefully over the broken pieces on the floor, to the bathroom. Cody sits on the edge of the bathtub and sobs as Noel bandages his hand. “I’m s-sorry I’m so fucking useless. I was trying to put the plates away but my hands have been so fucking, so fucking shaky recently.. ” Noel strokes his fingers delicately over Cody’s back as his tears leave wet spots on his new shirt.

One day Cody suggests that he could go home, that he “doesn’t want to overstay his welcome”, and Noel promises that he wants him there as long as he needs. Noel leaves out the part where he thinks he might need it too. 

On the first chilly night in October, Cody rolls onto Noels' side of the bed, and Noel tells himself that he only lets him stay pressed against him because he’s too tired to push the blonde back over.  _ It’s definitely not because he can’t get enough of the smell of Cody’s shampoo, or because Cody is unfairly warm, or because the sound of his even breathing helps him fall back asleep.  _

On Halloween, Cody demands they dress up, even though they’re staying in, and by the time they get to the store, all the costumes except one option are gone. Cody calls the costumes  _ absolutely undeniably perfect _ . They take turns getting up and going to the door to give out candy, and Noel turns bright red every time he has to go face a stranger while dressed as a bumblebee. 

As Cody’s birthday rounds the corner, Noel receives a plethora of texts and facebook messages from friends of Cody and him, all asking what big celebration they're planning for Cody’s 29th. Noel knows from experience what type of parties Cody usually has, he used to help plan them.

He only missed his 28th party, but he was there for his 25th, 26th and 27th. 

Cody and him were new for his 25th, so Noel got swept up in the excitement of his new, hot, party-hard boyfriend, even though it wasn’t necessarily his ideal setting. For Cody’s 26th, it was relatively calmer, but a Cody Kolodziejzyk party nonetheless. By the time 27 rolled around Noel was tired of it, because by then the parties weren’t contained to special occasions. Cody partied for the sake of partying, and it wasn’t long before the drugs and drinking followed him home. Noel moved out two months before Cody’s 28th party. He just couldn’t take another one.

Noel knows that Cody must be getting similar questions from his friends, but neither of them have dared to bring it up yet. Yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank u for reading! im loving the feedback on this soo much :,) i wanna write smut at some point in this, but no promises bc i dont wanna force it. BUT i know that less ppl will read if there's no smut so that's a bit disappointing but i get it lol


	4. absolutely fkn not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t show this to the boys or anyone associated w them! I love their girlfriends more than them <3 Thanks sorry this chapters a bit short

Cody jokes about kissing Noel, and Noel jokes back. They don’t kiss. They hold hands and hug and cuddle, but they don’t get much more intimate than that. 

Sometimes the blonde will lean over to the other for a kiss at an inconvenient moment, like after Cody’s won a round of call of duty, or when he’s all sweaty coming back from a run. Noel will laugh and dodge him, and Cody laughs back. 

It’s just another morning of waking up to Cody ghosting his fingers over Noels skin, huddled close in the cool early air. Noel shivers and rolls over to face Cody, smiling softly. 

“Guess who’s birthday week it is?”

“Birthday week?”

“Of course. Someone as wonderful as me can’t be held down to a single day y'know.”

“Ah of course.” Noel says and rolls his eyes. Cody laughs, and Noel just closes his eyes and soaks in the comfort of the moment. Cozy blankets, happy Cody, warm Cody’s laughter. 

“I was thinking we could go to a club or something with, like Devon and Sam and everyone.” Cody says, and Noel's stomach sinks. Should have known it was too good to be true. 

“A club? Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

When Noel opens his eyes, Cody is scowling. “Noel I’ve been completely fine for months.”

“You say months like that’s a long time.”

Cody sits up, looking down at Noel with his brows knitted harshly together. “Are you kidding?”

Noel sits up and places a hand over Cody’s, and is grateful when he doesn’t pull away. “I’m proud of you, Cody, I am, I just don’t know if it’s a good idea to jump back into a situation with so much, I don’t know…”

“So much what?”

“Temptation, I guess!”

Cody sighs and looks out the bedroom window. Noel couldn’t imagine how he could possibly have a better argument to disagree. 

“I think I know what I can handle. I’m an adult.”

“I’m just trying to look out for you-“

“Well don’t fucking bother! I don’t need your pity affection, Noel!” Cody barks, turning back to Noel and ripping his hand away angrily. 

Noel is stunned and hurt, sitting frozen with his hand held close to his chest. “Cody..”

But before he can even think to continue, Cody is grabbing clothes from the floor and speeding out of the bedroom, and slamming the door. Noel would never admit it made him flinch. 

Cody isn’t in the apartment when Noel gets up and goes to make his breakfast, and he doesn’t come back when Noel is sitting on their couch editing a project for work. He doesn’t come home while Noel is distracting himself doing their laundry, making their bed, or cleaning their kitchen. He doesn’t come home while Noel cries and tries to detach “their” from everything in his room, in his apartment, in his life. 

(In their life.)

Noel is putting a plate of leftovers into the microwave with bleary eyes, when he hears the front door unlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m thinking i might write a prequel to this about one of cody’s bday parties!!! no promises tho lol


	5. don’t let go yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cody comes home and they talk it out

He stands frozen in the kitchen, one hand still over the microwave buttons as he looks toward their front door. 

The door slowly creaks open, and Cody steps in from behind it, looking timid. 

He closes the door behind him, and leans against it, lacking the confidence to pull off the pose. He clears his throat, “I’m rea-“

“You scared the shit out of me.” Noel cuts him off, his hand finally falling from the microwave. “I was worrying all day.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Noel takes a pause to assess the blonde from across their tile floor. He looks okay. No obvious bags under his eyes, or signs he’d been getting fucked up. Same as how he left. Just less angry. 

Knowing he’s okay, Noel’s face contorts in anger, and he grips the kitchen counter so hard his knuckles go white. 

“You fucking cannot do that. I can’t take that Cody, it’s unfair and if you’re gonna do shit like that when you get a no for an answer, you can’t be here anymore.”

A few years ago, Cody would stride across the kitchen, grab Noel and silence his worries with a kiss. He’d give in, kiss his boyfriend back easily, and the anger would melt away. It would work for a bit, but later he would lie awake beside Cody, wishing he had kept speaking. Yelling. Wishing Cody had kept listening. 

Now, Cody just nods, looking the other solemnly in the eyes as he keeps listening. It only takes a minute for Noel to need to break the eye contact, feeling far too intimate for the tense moment. 

“Noel, I’m really sorry. I got defensive, and one of the things that I have trouble with is accepting help, and I’m trying to learn how.” he pauses, collecting himself. “I know all you were trying to do is help me, and I acted like a dick.” 

“You did.” Noel says, calming down. He takes heavy breaths in and out, finally relaxing now that Cody is back and okay, and really listening. 

“I know. I think- no I am, I’m done with drinking. For now at least, it’s too much of a gateway to the other shit. You’re right.”

“Okay, fuck okay. I’m still here for you, Cody.”

“I know. Thank you.”

They pause, still separated by the distance of the kitchen. Cody looks like he’s deciding what to say next. He opens his mouth, closes it again, before finally spitting it out in a near whisper. 

“Can I hug you?”

Noel nods quickly opening his arms and Cody walks across the kitchen, not rushed, not hesitant, a calm and steady pace like he knows Noel will wait with his arms still open. 

He will. 

Cody slips his arms under Noels and hugs the backs of his shoulders, while Noel has his arms wrapped around the back of the blonde's neck, carding his fingers through his soft hair. 

After a few minutes Cody starts to pull back, but Noel clings on, hiding his flushed face in Cody’s neck, “Just wait a bit longer, please don’t let go.”

So Cody doesn’t. 

“Can I kiss you, Noel?”

He pauses, contemplating the consequences of solidifying how hooked he is, again, with Cody. He wonders if this time will be as heart wrenching, or disastrous, or disappointing. He can’t find it in him to think it will be. 

“Yes please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it’s a bit short! next chapter is the last one :) might do a prequel? we’ll see


	6. with you i’m home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end!! this took me so long to finish but i like how it ended up, thank u for reading this far

Noel is struggling with the lock to their apartment, giggling as he tries to jiggle it open. They really need a new set of locks. 

Cody is making it especially hard to concentrate with the kisses he’s relentlessly pressing against the back of Noel's neck, and his big hands rubbing up and down the others biceps. 

The door finally clicks open and they push through, Noel turning around with a big smile to wrap his arms around Cody’s neck, letting him lead them stumbling backwards into their dark hallway as they kiss. He feels Cody reach back to shut the door, and then immediately return to giving Noels lips his full attention. 

Cody’s birthday dinner was fun. They met up with Spock, Sam, Marcus and Devon at jon and vinny’s, and somehow no one made any comments about how different it was from other birthdays. Their friends didn’t push at all when Cody ended up ordering a virgin piña colada, or complain when Cody said he and Noel were heading home without the typical bar hopping afterwards. 

_ “Any chance you two will come out with us?” Devon asked hopefully, elbowing Cody in the side.  _

_ Cody laughed, sending a fond look Noel’s way, and replied with ease, _

_ “Nah can’t this time dude, we’ve got to get back home and watch some shitty tv.” _

Some brunette contestant is complaining about her match on the living room tv as Cody groans too loudly, running his nails over Noel’s scalp while the man below him takes Cody to the back of his throat and suppresses a gag. 

“Fuck.” Noel coughs out as he pulls off, Cody hauling him up to sit in his lap, smiling dumbly. 

“What?” Cody asks, smiling right back. 

Noel already feels fucked out and glowing, and they’ve really only just started. 

“Just you.” he replies fondly, running his thumb over Cody’s bottom lip and using the grip on his jaw to pull him into a kiss. 

Cody goes easily, the kiss messy and sweet even while Noel is straddling him, both of them smiling softly. 

The blonde pulls back for a sassy, “Gross dude, do you have a crush on me or something?” and Noel just tsks and leans back in.  Cody turns them and lays Noel back on the couch, moving himself between the others legs. 

“I love you.” Noel whispers into the kiss. 

“Promise?

“Always.”

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> leave a kudos if you like it :) or maybe a comment that would make my day
> 
> even if it’s helpful criticism hehe

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [You Promise?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24098254) by [UFO_Spotter26](https://archiveofourown.org/users/UFO_Spotter26/pseuds/UFO_Spotter26)




End file.
